Have you ever paused, in the middle of finishing your workload for the day, to think what the fuck are you doing, really? Is this what you want to do in life? Is this how the prime of your life will be spent?
As an accountant, I have had plenty of similar thoughts. At such moments, I started writing down jobs that I rather do instead of doing what I was doing. Here is some of it.
Farm Animals Photographer
Job description: I take beautiful pictures of farm animals in all their glory.
This is a personal obsession of mine. I grew up near a farm. Not on a farm. But near it. Which means I didn’t have to wake up in the morning to milk the cow but I have spent countless of my childhood afternoon in joy surrounded by cows and other farm animals. Also, during a recent trip to the land of sheep, New Zealand, I discovered the joy of sheep photography.
I can imagine doing that for other farm animals. Walking around the farm at dawn to capture them with the best lights. Sneaking from behind to take candid pictures of them doing farm animal stuff.
I genuinely think there is a market in it. It can even be used for animal rights marketing, instead of slaughterhouse videos, my photography will positively invite people to stop eating meat.
Then, I can branch out to farm wedding photography, farm life videos. I shall go town-to-town, staying on different farms, and offering my photography service.
Pink Robed Pundit
Job description: I shed some enlightenment to confuse souls.
You might think being a pundit is not an easy job to pull off. But I have met and got the blessing to fake pundits’ way too many times in my life thanks to my naïve parents that I have enough ammunition in my belt to imitate them.
I just need to stop washing my hair, wear a monochrome robe (in my case it will be pastel pink), and sit somewhere in public. I will then memorize a few pages from The Secret and chant it continuously until people start to notice and ask for my blessing and guidance.
My guidance will also come from The Secret book, and, sometimes, the Chicken Soup for The Soul collections. But I need not worry, because no-one reads anymore these days.
Stuffed Toys Tour Guide
Job description: I take your stuffed toy on a trip.
Here is the premise, you have a soft toy and you like to travel. But you can’t because of one or other reasons. Instead of you traveling, you send your stuff toy to me. I will take a trip, take various pictures and videos with it before sending it back to you.
You will get the satisfaction of traveling without really doing it. Admittedly, not as much as if you do it yourself, but definitely beats watching those travel documentaries. Because your stuffed toy is a part of you.
If you think this job is too absurd, think again, because the job actually exists in the real world and I was born to do it, All my stuff toys can attest to it.
Tattoo Fortune Consultant
Job description: I give a pre-tattoo consultation to people to ensure their tattoo will be auspicious for them based on their birth chart, sun, moon, and rising sign.
I legit googled this before I got my first tattoo as I believe molding your Universe given body has the power to change your fortune. I also think people are constantly being dumb about their tattoo choices (waving to ex-name-tattoo owners) and I will be more than happy to be paid to advise them not to do it.
Like, I could see myself telling someone “Son, looks like you have a long, successful life ahead of you, with a wife, two kids, and three houses. But the tattoo you are considering has the potential to change it to three divorces, two kids, and no house. It’s up to you to go forward with it, but don’t forget to PayPal me $100“.
Joyful But Less Successful Cousin
Job description: I tag along to social gatherings, including stress-inducing family events and be the cheerful albeit average distant relative
Remember the many gentlemen in the early 2000 chick flicks, who at first pretend to be the female leads’ fake boyfriends, but fall in real love by the end of the movies? I will be the platonic version of that. The cheerful, simple-minded, less successful distant cousin of my client. I will enhance the mood of the gathering by acknowledging everyone’s efforts, laugh at dad jokes, and dashing off compliments. At the same time, I will be so average that it will shine the spotlight on my client instead.
In-flight Tarot Reader
Job description: I read people’s life paths when they are on board and bored.
With tarot slowly becoming mainstream, now would be the best time to dip my toe into the pack of 78 cards. And what would be a more effective niche than to do it on the plane?
My tarot stall would be on the first-class section — purely because of privacy.
I’d offer an in-your-face-it’s-what-it’s cards reading, which includes telling people, who just uprooted their lives to move to another country, or couple who are going to vacation together that it might, most probably, definitely won’t work it. It might be painful to hear, but at least it would save them wasting more time and effort in the wrong place, job, country, or relationship.
My additional service includes ordering the next return flight ticket, identifying two single persons on the plane who might be perfect for each other, and free hugs. Tips are not included.
The best part of the job is that I will constantly be traveling. Essentially, it’s an airline job for someone who doesn’t have the gracefulness of a stewardess and the smartness of a pilot. Both of those things, I am not.
With the world situation rn, I won’t be surprised if these job ideas will come to actualization soon. I just need to hang on and tally another balance sheet numbers before it happens.